Befriending Your Inner Critic

Two steps along a turning waterwheel

You know that voice inside your head that's always quick to point out your flaws? Yeah, that one. It's like the complete opposite of being kind to yourself. Self-compassion is all about treating yourself with warmth and acceptance, but self-criticism? Well, that's more like being your own personal critic.

This self-criticism can take different forms. Sometimes it threatens you ("You'll lose your job if you don't work harder"), or it points out your mistakes ("You messed up again"), or it commands you around ("Stop acting like a fool"), or it flat-out judges you ("You look terrible in that dress, seriously").

And let's be honest, dealing with this inner critic can feel pretty awful, causing a whole bunch of not-so-fun feelings like fear, shame, and guilt.

But guess what? We're often way too tough on ourselves. Seriously, think about it: Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself? Probably not.
Changing this critical self-talk isn't a walk in the park, but it's totally doable. Here are two steps that can help you dial down the self-criticism and turn up the self-compassion.

Step 1: Tune into Your Inner Critic

For the next week, make it your mission to catch that inner critic in action.
When you notice it kicking in:

• Stop for a moment and take three deep breaths.

• Pay attention to what you're saying to yourself when things go south.

• Are there certain phrases that keep popping up?

• What's the tone of your self-talk?

Step 2: Take Charge and Soften Up

• Once you've spotted that self-critical chatter, think about how you'd comfort a friend in the same situation. Now, give yourself the same kind of pep talk.

• Don't forget about the tone. How would you like to talk to yourself? Practice using that tone when you're feeling on top of the world.

• Figure out what exactly you're beating yourself up about. Your inner critic might have a point, but it usually delivers feedback in a not-so-helpful way. Try switching to a "learning and curiosity" mode:

  • What's there to learn from this feedback?

  • How would you talk to a kid who's learning about this for the first time?

  • How can you turn the inner critic's feedback into motivation for positive change?

And one more point: Don't go to war with your inner critic.

Responding to negativity with more negativity only fuels the frustration and makes the critic stronger.
Instead, treat yourself with a bit of understanding and watch that critic's power shrink away.